It was excruciating.Įven though I’d wanted a vagina for practically a decade, I wasn’t attracted to it when I first got it-it was just so different. When I finally opened my eyes, the pain was horrifying and bizarre-I could literally feel that my penis had been taken apart and sewn back up. But about a week after the surgery, I was napping and didn’t wake up in time to take my next dose. I took pills every two hours, so I never really felt much pain. Most of the time I was on painkillers, drifting in and out of sleep. During surgery, he basically built my vagina from scratch, and the nerves from the tip of my penis became my clitoris.Īfter the surgery, I couldn’t leave the hospital bed for five days, and then I had to spend about three weeks in a recovery facility. It’s definitely cheaper there than in the U.S., but I also sought out this doctor because he was the best of the best. I went to a doctor in Thailand for the procedure. I had to fall in love with my vaginaĪbout 10 years ago, when I was 25, I decided to completely transition to being female. My orgasms were more of an emotional high rather than just being in my penis-and that’s still how I describe orgasms today. I could picture a guy, fantasize about a relationship, and have sexual feelings.Įven anal intercourse felt better, because my entire body got more sensitive to touch. While before I was more of a visual person who needed to watch porn, after starting hormones, I could orgasm with just my imagination.
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There were also times where I struggled to orgasm altogether. I imagined he was my husband and our kids were in other room, and the sex was so much better.īefore I started hormones, I’d feel the urge to masturbate every day, but afterward, I could go a week without that need. But after the hormones, I felt like I needed to have feelings for him to get off. Before the hormones, it was just about having good sex and getting off. But after each injection, there was so much estrogen in my body that the cravings for sex weren’t there.Ībout a year after I started taking hormones, I hooked up with a guy I’d been with several times before. Testosterone is very powerful, and it used to make me constantly horny. Right away, my breasts grew big and sensitive, like I was having puberty as an adult. I got bloodwork done, and when I was cleared as healthy, I started taking hormone shots every two weeks. When I was 20, I went to a doctor with a friend to start exploring the possibility of taking hormones.
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When I imagined myself as a woman, my heart space blew open. I imagined my body on a deserted island, where no one could judge me, as both a man and as a woman. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and would stay up at night, tossing and turning. It was the first time everything made sense. I told him my life story, and then he told me, “Sweetie you’re trans.
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Everything he was saying to me was hitting home. At first I was like, “Who the hell is this person?” but I kept talking to him. I was out at a cheap bar in West Hollywood with friends, celebrating my first apartment in L.A., when a man came over to me and said he felt my vibe and told me he was a psychic. That’s when I started to express my feminine side even more. We broke up when I moved to Los Angeles at age 21 to continue pursuing my broadcasting dreams. The distance this created eventually ruined our relationship. So from then on, I’d only wear makeup when he wasn’t around, and I started hanging out with friends who embraced my feminine side more than him.
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We had a conversation, and he told me I looked better without it. One time, I came home wearing bronzer and mascara, and he asked what I was doing. We explored a lot, and I discovered I like being on top.īut I also felt a lot of shame, because I wanted to express my feminine energy-to wear makeup, shave my legs-and he didn’t like it. We were together for two years, and I lost my virginity to him when we had anal sex for the first time. (I dreamed of being a reporter, and someday having my own talk show, like Oprah.) I fell in love with a guy there who was gay, and we identified as a gay couple. I had my first real relationship at 18, after I moved to Chicago to attend broadcasting academy. To have this boy hold me, to have a physical connection with someone, made me feel so normal. My first hookup was junior year of high school, with a boy from a different town who played football.